Confessions from the Plus-sized department

Jan 23, 2009

Ok, is it just me? Or do plus-sized departments just plain suck? Why is it impossible to find anything nice that doesn't scream stripper (ummm yeah size 22 should NOT come in skimpy styles...) or only look like the little suits with jackets that my grandma would wear. I went to JCPenney and they have about 16 small racks for the plus sized, most in awful colors. Which is how I found my uniform of SJB t-shirts and jeans or capris depending on the season. Nothing says frumpy fat like your never ending supply of shapeless t-shirts and jeans....

I am a mommy of 2 and after each I put on weight. Honestly I hate my body so much that I avoid looking at it unless it is unavoidable. I remember thinking 145 on an athletic 5'9" frame was fat, but with spiraling PPD after each child I ate my way through the isolation and here I am...a HALF POUND from 250! I about croaked when I stepped on the scale.

Ok. A Little background for you here: I grew up in a rural area with an obese mom, and my dad was thin until he hit thirty and slowly put on the weight. The worse thing was that we didn't have to eat veggies...I was allowed to eat a box of rice-a-roni for every meal and my brother ate fruit rollups and mt. dew for breakfast. But I was relatively thin through school since I was obsessive about swimming, working out for 6 + hours most days so I could eat what I wanted. My mom made fun of me when I was bending over getting ready to dive into the pool that I had rolls of fat and it set me off...I stopped eating anything but some carbs to get me through practice...I would hide out during lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. What was really going on was that I was setting myself up for horrible eating habits. More about that later.

So I feel like a second class citizen when I enter most places for clothes. Most of the clothes I don't care for, but my biggest issue is the disdain I feel from most of the skinny clerks. I hate the way I look. This isn't me, but sometimes I don't know how to change. Do I get to be the fat gross lady or skinny starving one. I never had the happy medium really. I hate my fat mom making fun of my size and always inquiring how big I am to judge if I finally surpassed her girth. No, mom, you still hold the prize.c

I just wanted to start off this diary chronicling my struggle to lose this weight and hopefully find some support from someone out there. My goal: is to drop ideally 100 pounds, but 80 would make me very happy. Most important goal is to run again. I want to do a tri and a marathon. I know I can do it, but it will take time and lots of support.

Oh yeah...support from doctors: Haven't gotten too much. I went and begged for help with a diet and I was told to check out the weight loss books in the book store, and another told me to stop shoving food down my throat.

My obstacles are that I am OCD and easily fall into depression and depression is the root of eating brownie batter.

I am currently at 249.5 pounds...I want to be under 164 for a normal BMI.

Goal to lose 85.5 pounds and gain strength and self confidence. Side benefits: show my girls to be PROUD of their bodies and eat right. Bonus: in our money crunch this has GOT to be good for the finances to buy less junk.

Comments

From: judithemia
Date: 07/18/2009 - 06:44 pm

I can relate to your struggle, although I do not have children, I have struggled with my weight since I was 11 and also have struggled with emotional eating and depression. I was adopted at 13 and was taought to eat healthy but it was from a family that was skinny and didnt struggle with their weight like I have. they were all tall and thin, I was short and fat, so although within a year at age 13 i went from being 180 to 115 through diet and exercise, it was through eating what was around the house. Today as an adult, up until 3 months ago I was 227, lost 30 pounds through the same diet and exercise. I tend to eat mostly salads during lunch during the week, walk every day at lunch, eat breakfast, which usually consists of fruit and protein like yogurt or cheeze, and for dinner i might splurge and eat a small portion of pasta. Counting your calorie intake works, but I am not going to lie it is hard and it does suck but it really works. Exercising speeds up your metabolism and it is good for your heart so that is why I am doing it. I dont want to worry about becoming diabetic before I have kids, so I am trying to lose the weight now and so far it has worked for me. I wish you the best of luck! Take your time and the results will pay off tremendously!

From: Crystal
Date: 07/15/2009 - 02:01 pm

I feel the same way. I was 130 while in high school. I got pregnant and thought I had to eat for two and gained 50 lbs. I lost about all of it and then got pregnant again 6 months later. I gained 50 lbs. back. I finally lost it all and got a Norplant. The Norplant was making me too skinny and the dr. was scared I had AIDS or something. We ran tests and all...nothing. Then, a year later, I began to gain weight and could not keep it off. I kept gaining weight and had bad headaches. The dr. stated that it was the Norplant. I had to have it removed, he said, or I was going to die. I had it removed and was able to maintain a weight, but didn't lose any weight until I got pregnant with my 4th child. I lost 25 lbs. with her. I lost more eventually after she was born. I moved to AR from OK and got depressed about not having an income and not having a job. We lived out in the boonies and it was very hard to keep a job. I lost my vehicle and that made things worse. I moved back to OK and I am still over 200lbs. I have a job. I have 2 jobs. I don't exercise like I use to or should and is probably what is the problem, but I hurt too much and I am out of energy all the time. I have never been this big in my whole entire life, not even when I was pregnant. I cannot stand to see myself in the mirror. It doesn't help that the man I am with tells me that I look just fine, that he likes big girls, that if I were skinny he wouldn't want me! I don't want me the way that I am! I just keep praying for energy to exercise. I do not eat much. I don't eat junk food. I'm really not sure what the problem is. The only diff. from years ago to now is that I do not exercise like I use to. I hope and pray for strength for you to make a difference. Thanks.Crystal

From: Trudie
Date: 06/30/2009 - 10:19 am

Oops I miss typed my weight when I started in January was 243 not 143. Sorry

From: Trudie
Date: 06/30/2009 - 10:16 am

Hey, I can so related to the shopping thing. I hate the new styles they look like maturnity tops. I'm already fat and care a lot of weight in my middle so the last thing I want is a top that makes me look pregnant. I had to go to a family reunion recently and had a hard time finding something I wanted to wear. I finally found something at SteinMart.

I am 43 yrs old a mother of 3 teenagers, I am 5'3' and in January I weighted 143. I have lost 40lbs. since starting my lifestyle change in January. I'm not dieting I am changing my life. I have taught myself a new way of eating by reading online any information I can find. I read labels at the grocery store. I try real hard to just eat healthier. I don't eat in the evenings while watching tv. I hardly ever drink anything but water and skim milk. I don't want my calories coming from liquids I like food to much I want to eat my calories not drink them. I exercise my doing a number of different things such at walking, biking, playing in the pool when the weaher is warm, and working out at home to some DVD's. I started slow walking only one mile and have worked up to walking 3-6 miles several days a week. If I only walk 3 miles I try to do a different exercise that day as well. I use a web-site called Sparkpeople.com and this has helped a great deal. I can keep track ot my calories, as well as other nutrional information. I can track my exercise and see how many calories I have burned. It has great articles and advice.

I look at my self as a food aholic. Just like someone addicted to drugs or alcohol but worse. We have to have food to live so therefore we can't just stay away from the situation that makes us want to eat like someone with other addictions can. We can't just not eat like someone addicted to alcohol can just not ever take that first drink that makes them want more and more. When I eat something I just want to continue eating. I love food. But I have tried to find something else to do other than eat. I find that when I exercise I don't have the desire to eat as much. I started reading instead of watching so much tv because tv was a triger for me I wanted to snack when I just sat and watched tv. Also I avoid seeing all those commercials with food in them. I also have great support from my oldest sister who is dong this with me however she lives 14 hours away from me. We talk on the phone almost everyday about what we have eaten that day, how we are feeling, what exercise we have done. We have a once a week weigh in that we share we each other. We share ideas and challenge each other. Once you start eating right and exercising you will feel so much better that you will just want to keep it up and it will get easier and easier. Not to say that I don't still have bad days but I don't let a bad day destroy everything I have work so hard for. I just chalk it up to just having a bad day and I get back on track. Good luck, I know how hard it is I have been over weight since I was a young child. This is something I have to accomplish not just for my physical self but just as much for my mental self. Juat take one step at a time you CAN do this.

From: Elle
Date: 06/24/2009 - 08:48 am

I Hate being fat im only 25 I have one child and I keep putting more and more weight on I eat when Im sad I eat when Im bored I eat all the time and if I dont eat I feel sick and if i eat something and dont like it I still feel hungery I feel crazy about food all the time and to add insult to injury Im a chef so I live around food. I love that all of you are here helping each ther and i think big is beautiful just not on me thats my sob story.