Confessions from the Plus-sized department

Jan 23, 2009

Ok, is it just me? Or do plus-sized departments just plain suck? Why is it impossible to find anything nice that doesn't scream stripper (ummm yeah size 22 should NOT come in skimpy styles...) or only look like the little suits with jackets that my grandma would wear. I went to JCPenney and they have about 16 small racks for the plus sized, most in awful colors. Which is how I found my uniform of SJB t-shirts and jeans or capris depending on the season. Nothing says frumpy fat like your never ending supply of shapeless t-shirts and jeans....

I am a mommy of 2 and after each I put on weight. Honestly I hate my body so much that I avoid looking at it unless it is unavoidable. I remember thinking 145 on an athletic 5'9" frame was fat, but with spiraling PPD after each child I ate my way through the isolation and here I am...a HALF POUND from 250! I about croaked when I stepped on the scale.

Ok. A Little background for you here: I grew up in a rural area with an obese mom, and my dad was thin until he hit thirty and slowly put on the weight. The worse thing was that we didn't have to eat veggies...I was allowed to eat a box of rice-a-roni for every meal and my brother ate fruit rollups and mt. dew for breakfast. But I was relatively thin through school since I was obsessive about swimming, working out for 6 + hours most days so I could eat what I wanted. My mom made fun of me when I was bending over getting ready to dive into the pool that I had rolls of fat and it set me off...I stopped eating anything but some carbs to get me through practice...I would hide out during lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. What was really going on was that I was setting myself up for horrible eating habits. More about that later.

So I feel like a second class citizen when I enter most places for clothes. Most of the clothes I don't care for, but my biggest issue is the disdain I feel from most of the skinny clerks. I hate the way I look. This isn't me, but sometimes I don't know how to change. Do I get to be the fat gross lady or skinny starving one. I never had the happy medium really. I hate my fat mom making fun of my size and always inquiring how big I am to judge if I finally surpassed her girth. No, mom, you still hold the prize.c

I just wanted to start off this diary chronicling my struggle to lose this weight and hopefully find some support from someone out there. My goal: is to drop ideally 100 pounds, but 80 would make me very happy. Most important goal is to run again. I want to do a tri and a marathon. I know I can do it, but it will take time and lots of support.

Oh yeah...support from doctors: Haven't gotten too much. I went and begged for help with a diet and I was told to check out the weight loss books in the book store, and another told me to stop shoving food down my throat.

My obstacles are that I am OCD and easily fall into depression and depression is the root of eating brownie batter.

I am currently at 249.5 pounds...I want to be under 164 for a normal BMI.

Goal to lose 85.5 pounds and gain strength and self confidence. Side benefits: show my girls to be PROUD of their bodies and eat right. Bonus: in our money crunch this has GOT to be good for the finances to buy less junk.

Comments

From: Jolie
Date: 05/02/2009 - 05:45 am

Hun, I was 5'7" and 160 lbs at one time and I wasn't even chunky. I had a six pack and guns of steel. LOL So no way were you "fat" at 5'9 and and 140. That's all that skinny-Minnie social junk getting to you. I had a doctor tell me my "ideal weight" was 130 lbs. I was at that weight for 3 months and I felt weak and sick. It wasn't until I went back into the 150-165 range that I felt healthy again. Guess what, that "ideal weight" has gone down a bit every year as our culture gets more and more thin-centric. And it's a lie in many cases.

If you want to change the way you relate to food, go to a nutritionist. They'll help you figure out the best way to eat for your metabolism. The most important thing is figure out WHY you over-eat and then work on solving those problems that cause it. It's hard, but not impossible if you're truthful with yourself. Starving yourself won't do. It just makes your body pack on everything you take in. Moderation in all things (balance) is the key to healthy weightloss.

And I totally agree with you on the clothing departments. I went into Target a couple of years back looking for a shirt. They had all of four dinky racks in their "plus" department. Most all of it was horrid. I went into Target again recently and there is NO plus department at all that I could see. And the walls are plastered with anorexic models that just made me wonder why people think looking like a skeleton is attractive; these girls had RIBS showing for Pete's sake! Do you know, half the time I buy MEN's shirts to get one that fits my broad back and shoulders and isn't repulsive? I'd rather be a cross-dresser than a slave to the ugly stuff women accept as "fashion". LOL I'm kind of stuck being pudgy these days because three of the medications I have to take to function with all of my inherited health issues make you gain weight. *groan* But I have reached a place where I keep the weight from running out of control by not eating so much garbage and stopping to THINK before I eat. I ask myself am I really hungry? I test my blood sugar. If it's fine I know I'm not in a low and needing to eat because of it. If I'm stressed, depressed or otherwise out of sorts, the food gets put away and I find something else to do, preferably a physical activity.

From: grace n
Date: 04/30/2009 - 05:55 am

i understand what you've been through. i have the same problem, but i want to tell you that havin' extra pound is not something to be ashamed of. and always keep in mined that impossible is nothing.
always keep your head up, and don't stop ure diet or ure exercices, and u'll (we'll) get to the objective.

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 04/30/2009 - 04:40 am

hi lindsay,

i am goin thru hell rite now..m workin out at my gym since dec but my weight hasnt come down at al....as if the machine is stuck to 205 pounds..m feelin really hopeless n ve no idea wat to do..feel like choppin off my hips n butts cos they make me look more bulky...help me!!!

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 04/30/2009 - 01:27 am

I read your post and your generous offer to help. We have a lot in common I wonder if you would be inersted in corresponding with me thanks Ev

From: jackierowley
Date: 04/29/2009 - 12:52 pm

I can tell you that I know how you feel about going into clothes stores. I go in to shop for my daughter who is thin and the clerks look at me like there is nothing in here that will fit you. I have also lose the support from my parents and the doctors. My parents just told me I was to fat all the time and that just made me eat all the time. I also need to weigh about 163 to get a normal BMI. Good luck!!