Confessions from the Plus-sized department

Jan 23, 2009

Ok, is it just me? Or do plus-sized departments just plain suck? Why is it impossible to find anything nice that doesn't scream stripper (ummm yeah size 22 should NOT come in skimpy styles...) or only look like the little suits with jackets that my grandma would wear. I went to JCPenney and they have about 16 small racks for the plus sized, most in awful colors. Which is how I found my uniform of SJB t-shirts and jeans or capris depending on the season. Nothing says frumpy fat like your never ending supply of shapeless t-shirts and jeans....

I am a mommy of 2 and after each I put on weight. Honestly I hate my body so much that I avoid looking at it unless it is unavoidable. I remember thinking 145 on an athletic 5'9" frame was fat, but with spiraling PPD after each child I ate my way through the isolation and here I am...a HALF POUND from 250! I about croaked when I stepped on the scale.

Ok. A Little background for you here: I grew up in a rural area with an obese mom, and my dad was thin until he hit thirty and slowly put on the weight. The worse thing was that we didn't have to eat veggies...I was allowed to eat a box of rice-a-roni for every meal and my brother ate fruit rollups and mt. dew for breakfast. But I was relatively thin through school since I was obsessive about swimming, working out for 6 + hours most days so I could eat what I wanted. My mom made fun of me when I was bending over getting ready to dive into the pool that I had rolls of fat and it set me off...I stopped eating anything but some carbs to get me through practice...I would hide out during lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. What was really going on was that I was setting myself up for horrible eating habits. More about that later.

So I feel like a second class citizen when I enter most places for clothes. Most of the clothes I don't care for, but my biggest issue is the disdain I feel from most of the skinny clerks. I hate the way I look. This isn't me, but sometimes I don't know how to change. Do I get to be the fat gross lady or skinny starving one. I never had the happy medium really. I hate my fat mom making fun of my size and always inquiring how big I am to judge if I finally surpassed her girth. No, mom, you still hold the prize.c

I just wanted to start off this diary chronicling my struggle to lose this weight and hopefully find some support from someone out there. My goal: is to drop ideally 100 pounds, but 80 would make me very happy. Most important goal is to run again. I want to do a tri and a marathon. I know I can do it, but it will take time and lots of support.

Oh yeah...support from doctors: Haven't gotten too much. I went and begged for help with a diet and I was told to check out the weight loss books in the book store, and another told me to stop shoving food down my throat.

My obstacles are that I am OCD and easily fall into depression and depression is the root of eating brownie batter.

I am currently at 249.5 pounds...I want to be under 164 for a normal BMI.

Goal to lose 85.5 pounds and gain strength and self confidence. Side benefits: show my girls to be PROUD of their bodies and eat right. Bonus: in our money crunch this has GOT to be good for the finances to buy less junk.

Comments

From: anangelsmom
Date: 04/28/2009 - 11:03 pm

wow that's all i can say is wow. i knew there were other women out there in this same boat, but??. i have

struggled all my life with my weight. depression i know it, it eats at your soul and your heart. i lost my baby girl 2 years ago, and there are days when i don't know if i can come back up for air. financially, i am struggling so that does not help either. how do you focus on yourself when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and pretend that you no longer exist? every day i get up with good intentions and every night i go to bed knowing i have wasted another day because the weight is still there still not moving and my life is not changing. where do i find the strength to change this mess my life has become? i have no one in my life i can talk too, so maybe this is the answer i have been looking for??? just knowing i am not alone in this helps alot, thank you for sharing with me.

From: Hope2
Date: 04/27/2009 - 04:38 pm

I hear you! I'm resorting to online shopping, with stores that sell some of the pretty clothes (found in the misses sizes), also in plus sizes. One 15 minute shop in the mall, or endlessly trying on clothes at JCPenney, Sears, etc, is so frustrating and depressing I've ended up sitting on the dirty floor in the dressing room, weeping. I wish I had some helpful suggestions for you!! The online store that I'm going to try that has some of the pretty clothes in both misses and women's/plus sizes is Newport News. Warning though, look at the fabric content for flimsy-ness/thinness, and know that often the colors shown on the website are brighter than they actually are-I only know this because I used to order from their catalog. Thanks everyone for your clothing company suggestions! You are all helping me, too, and I really appreciate it, because I''m in the same boat. Jane, I've suffered from depression all of my life, I'm 41 years old, and once again, I am 60 pounds overweight. I eat to soothe myself when I can't cope with my feelings, or sometimes my thoughts. I try to believe that, with baby steps, and alot of help from God, I will someday be eating nutritiously and doing exercise that I enjoy, every day. I try to believe that it is still possible for me to achieve a healthy eating and exercise lifestyle, that I might actually feel good physically. I try to remember that I have an illness, a disease of the brain, depression, and that I'm not a bad or lesser person because of it. My life and my self-esteem have fallen flat once again, I feel lost and panicked and so alone. What I'm trying to do now is fill my life with good things, that I enjoy, that I like, that soothe me, so I don't turn to food so much. I think that I have to have some other coping skills in place before I can expect myself to be able to stop reaching for food in order to get through life. A dear friend of mine told me once, "Fill your life with good things. There will be less room for the bad things." I've got an unopened bag of cookies next to me that I know I will eat today. I am making a choice, and I am responsible for the consequences, and I am hurting myself. Every day, all day, I hate myself for doing this, for gaining the weight back. It makes it very hard to stop using cookies to numb this pain. But I am also doing other things lately, that maybe will someday be what I reach for instead of cookies. I went to see an art exhibit on Sat., I took some photos of a kitten on Friday, I went to a new church on Sun.. Today all I want is cookies to numb the pain of clothes shopping from yesterday. If that's all I can do today, than that's ok, because it doesn't discount the "good things". Maybe I'll do some online clothes shopping today; try something new! Who knows, it may work! I read something yesterday on a bulletin board that helped me feel better about myself and I hope it helps you and others too. (no offense to athiests, agnostics, or non-Christians). "Faith is knowing that I am God's treasure when I feel utterly worthless." Wishing you many blessings! -Hope2

From: Mstelcom
Date: 04/22/2009 - 08:56 pm

Hey PlainJane,

I hope you you get a chance to read this, and I hope you're on your way to a new you. I'm not 5'7" and at my heaviest I was 245. I'm a mom of 4 , 45 and had a few health scares last year and my resolution for 2009 was to lose a healthy 20 pounds. Yup, I said only 20 - you need to set small goals so that you don't get lose focus. Well long story short, I walked for months building my heart up, and started aerobic stuff this year. If I don't make it through the dvd, I set small goals so that I get through it. I've also followed The 4 Day Diet, which changes what/how you eat every 4 days so you don't lose focus. Dr. Ian Smith ran Celebrity Fit Club, he also has a book called The Fat Smash Diet. All of his books focus on why we overeat and how to conquer the feeling of depression and self doubt. Make sure you check them out - they're great. To date, I have lost 28 pounds, look and feel great and have lost a bunch of inches as well.

Regarding clothes...if you're still in plus size, leave the regular stores alone and try The Avenue, Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart, any store that carries plus size clothing, rather than trying to fit in the mainline stores.

Good Luck............You can do it!!!

Wanda

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 04/08/2009 - 03:10 pm

"Fat and Frumpy" is what I always see in the so called big-girl sections (or stores). I'm 30, no kids and have no desire to dress exactly like my mother in law at this age. I totally know where you are coming from in that aspect.

My doctor was helpful in a non-helpful way. I went basically asking about pills/quick fixes and she told me to get comfortable buying larger sizes or do something about it.

I joined Nutrisystem shortly thereafter. So far I've lost 20#. I fell off that wagon for awhile, but am back on it now.

You can do this. Do it for yourself.

And you don't need to lose all your weight before you do a triathlon. I completed my fist last summer at 200#, more to come this summer.

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 04/01/2009 - 09:10 pm

What is the insulin resistant diet?