Confessions from the Plus-sized department

Jan 23, 2009

Ok, is it just me? Or do plus-sized departments just plain suck? Why is it impossible to find anything nice that doesn't scream stripper (ummm yeah size 22 should NOT come in skimpy styles...) or only look like the little suits with jackets that my grandma would wear. I went to JCPenney and they have about 16 small racks for the plus sized, most in awful colors. Which is how I found my uniform of SJB t-shirts and jeans or capris depending on the season. Nothing says frumpy fat like your never ending supply of shapeless t-shirts and jeans....

I am a mommy of 2 and after each I put on weight. Honestly I hate my body so much that I avoid looking at it unless it is unavoidable. I remember thinking 145 on an athletic 5'9" frame was fat, but with spiraling PPD after each child I ate my way through the isolation and here I am...a HALF POUND from 250! I about croaked when I stepped on the scale.

Ok. A Little background for you here: I grew up in a rural area with an obese mom, and my dad was thin until he hit thirty and slowly put on the weight. The worse thing was that we didn't have to eat veggies...I was allowed to eat a box of rice-a-roni for every meal and my brother ate fruit rollups and mt. dew for breakfast. But I was relatively thin through school since I was obsessive about swimming, working out for 6 + hours most days so I could eat what I wanted. My mom made fun of me when I was bending over getting ready to dive into the pool that I had rolls of fat and it set me off...I stopped eating anything but some carbs to get me through practice...I would hide out during lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat. What was really going on was that I was setting myself up for horrible eating habits. More about that later.

So I feel like a second class citizen when I enter most places for clothes. Most of the clothes I don't care for, but my biggest issue is the disdain I feel from most of the skinny clerks. I hate the way I look. This isn't me, but sometimes I don't know how to change. Do I get to be the fat gross lady or skinny starving one. I never had the happy medium really. I hate my fat mom making fun of my size and always inquiring how big I am to judge if I finally surpassed her girth. No, mom, you still hold the prize.c

I just wanted to start off this diary chronicling my struggle to lose this weight and hopefully find some support from someone out there. My goal: is to drop ideally 100 pounds, but 80 would make me very happy. Most important goal is to run again. I want to do a tri and a marathon. I know I can do it, but it will take time and lots of support.

Oh yeah...support from doctors: Haven't gotten too much. I went and begged for help with a diet and I was told to check out the weight loss books in the book store, and another told me to stop shoving food down my throat.

My obstacles are that I am OCD and easily fall into depression and depression is the root of eating brownie batter.

I am currently at 249.5 pounds...I want to be under 164 for a normal BMI.

Goal to lose 85.5 pounds and gain strength and self confidence. Side benefits: show my girls to be PROUD of their bodies and eat right. Bonus: in our money crunch this has GOT to be good for the finances to buy less junk.

Comments

From: maddamvore
Date: 02/22/2009 - 03:39 pm

I wish I could think of it like that. I am always thinking of what people think of me. I see what they see maybe worse. I want to be skinny to be accepted inside that social area. I am not a social person but just to have someone look at me and say she looks nice would be great. Instead of "oh she is fat".

To be able to actually keep up with my husband when we go out would be great also. I feel that it isn't just how you feel on the inside, I have trouble getting around to far and get out of breathe very easily. So in some aspects, it is what is on the outside as well.

I hate the fact that our company just hired this new girl, and guess what! Yep size zero. And she flaunts it too, I hate that, how do you deal with that? It depresses me just going to work now. She looks good in anything. If I tried to pull off her 'styles' I would look like crap.

Maybe it is just my depression kicking in, but all I have to say is, being fat sucks, how could I ever like myself looking like this?

From: maddamvore
Date: 02/22/2009 - 03:25 pm

PlainJane-

Your story sounds a bit like mine, I am close to your weight and have severe depression due to it. All I can think about is well, maybe my husband will be more of a husband if I was skinny again. Or I wish I could do the fun things with my kids.

Now my mother is even getting in on it too, she has joined the wagon with my dad to see how bad they can make me feel. My dad laughs at the fact that I can't get on the horse without getting on some type of step stool, and the fact that I fill out teh saddle so well, now my mother is making fun of my huge elbows. She asked the dumb question, "Are your elbows swollen?" No mom I am just fat! Live with it.

I am actually considering the Lap Band. If there is a way to afford it, then I am going to do it. Diets have failed. No matter how much I eat or don't I do not loose the weight. I have tried exercise and it helped short term, but along with it I had to starve myself just to get any weight off. At our weight it is hard to do much exercising, or I know it is for me. I breathe way to hard when I start walking for a long distance.

I have the same goal...lose 100 lbs. If that is even possible with my body type. I just want to know what it is like to go into a store and not worry about them having my size, or is it going to look good on me. Cause we all know that it looks different on a 230lb person than it does on a 120lb person. And to be abe to go bike riding again with the kids....so sweet.

Well, I doubt that I have been much help, but just though that I would let you know that you aren't alone.

Good luck.

From: 4andstillhot
Date: 02/21/2009 - 07:36 pm

I myself have a love of brownie and cake batter and icing three inch thick. I woke up six months ago and realized my job was making me super fat .I answered phones for a living sat in that chair for ten hours a day they served cake all the time and pizza gave away cookies i gained 45 pounds in the year i worked there,but i was big before ,but now i workout eat better though i still love the icing

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 02/18/2009 - 04:18 pm

i know how you feel. I have OCD and bipolar so keeping my eating habits under control during the depression episodes sucks. I also have a son with down syndrome so that makes it harder than ever to stay in my normal eating habits when we have to go the children's clinic almost three times a year to find out what else is wrong. My husband doesn't help with his junk food and over eating. It took me a year to loose 30 pounds and am finally a size 14. but still have the baby belly.

From: topsail21
Date: 02/17/2009 - 10:23 pm

wow if your story isnt mine.... but i havent realized how bad it sounds until read it

i swim 2 hours and15 minutes a day so i can eat whatever i want... i do pilates every other day so i can eat whatever i want and it STILL doesnt work for me....i fall into states of depression a lot, usually after swim practice....my mom lets me eat whatever i want and most times she doesnt even care...i asked her to stop buying bakery stuff for me because i didnt need it, in the past 2 days she got me 2 slices of carrot cake and 4 canolis its almost as if she wants me to be fat with her.

but i wont do that, not anymore and if shes not gonna change then i will so heres what i have to say

sometimes you cant sway people on their beliefs on food and thats OKAY For them, as long as it isnt affecting you i really think that swimming is still a great excersize but its not an excuse for us to eat whatever we want, even though its a good sport its not a get out of jail free card. Even though you bust your but everyday you have to help your eating habbits and it will be tough but if you need motivation im here

p.s. good luck on your marathon i know youll do great!