By: admin

Jan 23, 2009

Ok, is it just me?  Or do plus-sized departments just plain suck?  Why is it impossible to find anything nice that doesn't scream stripper (ummm yeah size 22 should NOT come in skimpy styles...) or only look like the little suits with jackets that my grandma would wear.  I went to JCPenney and they have about 16 small racks for the plus sized, most in awful colors.  Which is how I found my uniform of SJB t-shirts and jeans or capris depending on the season.  Nothing says frumpy fat like your never ending supply of shapeless t-shirts and jeans....

I am a mommy of 2 and after each I put on weight.  Honestly I hate my body so much that I avoid looking at it unless it is unavoidable.  I remember thinking 145 on an athletic 5'9" frame was fat, but with spiraling PPD after each child I ate my way through the isolation and here I am...a HALF POUND from 250!  I about croaked when I stepped on the scale. 

Ok.  A Little background for you here:  I grew up in a rural area with an obese mom, and my dad was thin until he hit thirty and slowly put on the weight.  The worse thing was that we didn't have to eat veggies...I was allowed to eat a box of rice-a-roni for every meal and my brother ate fruit rollups and mt. dew for breakfast.  But I was relatively thin through school since I was obsessive about swimming, working out for 6 + hours most days so I could eat what I wanted.  My mom made fun of me when I was bending over getting ready to dive into the pool that I had rolls of fat and it set me off...I stopped eating anything but some carbs to get me through practice...I would hide out during lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to eat.  What was really going on was that I was setting myself up for horrible eating habits.  More about that later.

So I feel like a second class citizen when I enter most places for clothes.  Most of the clothes I don't care for, but my biggest issue is the disdain I feel from most of the skinny clerks.  I hate the way I look.  This isn't me, but sometimes I don't know how to change.  Do I get to be the fat gross lady or skinny starving one.  I never had the happy medium really.  I hate my fat mom making fun of my size and always inquiring how big I am to judge if I finally surpassed her girth.  No, mom, you still hold the prize.c

I just wanted to start off this diary chronicling my struggle to lose this weight and hopefully find some support from someone out there.  My goal:  is to drop ideally 100 pounds, but 80 would make me very happy.  Most important goal is to run again.  I want to do a tri and a marathon.  I know I can do it, but it will take time and lots of support.

Oh yeah...support from doctors:  Haven't gotten too much.  I went and begged for help with a diet and I was told to check out the weight loss books in the book store, and another told me to stop shoving food down my throat. 

My obstacles are that I am OCD and easily fall into depression and depression is the root of eating brownie batter.

I am currently at 249.5 pounds...I want to be under 164 for a normal BMI. 

Goal to lose 85.5 pounds and gain strength and self confidence.  Side benefits:  show my girls to be PROUD of their bodies and eat right.  Bonus:  in our money crunch this has GOT to be good for the finances to buy less junk.