By: Leslie Goldman

Dec 23, 2009

Following in the footsteps of Phylicia Rashad, Valerie Bertinelli, Kirstie Alley, Jenny McCarthy and Marie Osmond, Santa Claus has signed on to serve as spokesperson for a major weight loss company: Dr. Siegal’s Cookie Diet.

“We’re thrilled to partner with Santa Claus, the veritable Patron Saint of Cookies, for our 2010 weight loss campaign,” a Cookie Diet PR rep announced at a press conference held on Black Friday at the Hard Rock North Pole. “Santa knows cookies, and he knows what tastes good. Unfortunately, his passion for late-night nibbling has edged him towards the morbidly obese end of the BMI spectrum, but the important thing is, he’s recognized the problem and is ready to make a change. We know he’ll inspire millions of jolly-bellied, sweet-toothed men and women across the globe with his new lifestyle. It will also make things a hell of a lot easier on the reindeer.”

Santa’s new diet will include six amino acid-packed Dr. Siegal cookies eaten throughout the day, each one partnered with a glass of water. Decaf coffee, tea and diet sodas are permitted, but his usual whole milk has been replaced by one cup of skim or low-fat milk. However, three daily servings of low-fat yogurt or kefir will be encouraged, as these products have been shown to promote weight loss. For dinner, he’ll stick to lean protein and steamed veggies, plus one 130-calorie Skinny Cow mint chocolate chip cone for dessert.

“At my age (Santa’s exact age is unknown, but santaclaus.com estimates it at 550 years), I need to start paying much more attention to not only my waistline, but my heart health. Science shows that abdominal fat is the most dangerous kind, and it’s been about two centuries since I could even see my black boots. Dr. Siegal’s Cookie Diet is going to help me shed the pounds, improve my cardiovascular health, and the best part of it all is I won’t feel deprived. Six cookies a day, every day?! Now that’s my kind of diet! Ho, ho!”

Santa also added he’s hoping for Buttery Spritz Cookies, Lemon Bars, Caramel-filled Chocolate Thumbprints, Rum Balls, Pecan Squares, and Peanut Butter Hershey’s Kisses. Actual flavors include Hunger-Controlling Blueberry, Banana, and Coconut.

When asked by a reporter if he’ll try to avoid growing obsessed with seeing a certain number on the scale, Santa was candid. “Absolutely. I know Queen Latifah was all about, ‘Being a size ‘healthy,’ but I’m hoping to fit into a pair of 38-inch jeans by the summer.”

As an adjunct to Claus’s new spokesperson gig, the makers of the Cookie Diet will be sponsoring Christmas gifts this year, which means all wishes for X-Boxes, Dora the Explorer slippers, jewelry, perfume and puppies will be replaced with copies of Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet Book: How a Doctor and His Cookie Helped 500,000 People Lose Weight Fast (Hyde Park Publishing Ltd., 2009.)

In addition to replacing 85% of his food with low-calorie cookies, Claus will be embarking on a number of other healthy lifestyle endeavors:

-Playing off the current trend of vibrational workouts, a small vibrating platform will be installed in the sleigh, meaning Claus can tighten his abs and glutes while directing his reindeer.

-Brandy will be replaced by heart-healthy red wine. Claus prefers an Australian Pinot Noir, but Malbecs and Red Zinfandel are other suggestions.

-Mrs. Claus will be offered free cookies so she may work towards her own fitness goals alongside her husband. These include being able to last 45 minutes on the Stairclimber, shaving two inches off her EE chest and being able to pick up after the elves without throwing her back out. She has also announced plans to swap out sugar for Splenda in her holiday baking.

-Boots will be replaced with MBTs.

-A local ophthalmic surgeon has offered his services, free of charge, so Santa will be undergoing LASIK to replace his glasses. He will also receive laser hair surgery on his neck to avoid stubborn ingrown hairs. The possibility of a tummy tuck to get rid of any post weight-loss loose skin has been discussed with Dr. Lawrence Glassman, the same plastic surgeon who performed Kate Gosselin’s surgery on her hit TLC show.

Noted body image blogger Leslie Goldman of iVillage’s Never Say Diet, when asked for her opinion, said she applauds Claus’s interest in becoming healthier but fears he may have fallen victim to the media’s portrayal of overweight people as lazy, lacking will-power or in need of saving. “I just hope that, at the end of the day, Santa can look in the mirror and say, ‘I love myself. Who cares if I have a little cellulite on my upper thighs? I’m hot, damnit!’”