By: Leslie Goldman

May 28, 2009

Everyone’s favorite body image punching bag, singer/actress Jessica Simpson, is reportedly shopping a new reality program to networks called “The Price of Beauty.” The show’s premise: J. Simps and a friend "set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why."

I know what you’re thinking: “Sigh. Another reality show. More of the same “love your body BS” these stars seem to spew. Poor Jessica Simpson, she must have it so hard.”

Well guess what? She does have it hard. I cannot even imagine going through the hell she has endured from millions of men and women and media vomiting up catty comments and nasty comparisons to large mammals when referring to her body. The girl is under constant scrutiny--it's as if we "real women" are sitting at home, just waiting for her to slip-up so we can yell, "Ha! See! She's fat, too!" People are absolutely HORRIBLE towards her and her body so we think she's got more than enough experience for the job. Take a look at her qualifications we drew up for her (as if she needs a resume).

Jessica Simpson’s Body Image Resume

name: Jessica Simpson

Objective:
To shut the haters up and empower women, teaching them that just because we make a little fashion faux pas and wear high-waisted light blue jeans with an unfortunate leopard belt while performing in front of thousands of people doesn’t not mean we should be eviscerated by millions.

Education: 

A school that did not offer adequate food science courses, which resulted in my whole “Is this chicken? Or is it fish?” debacle. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

Prior Work History: 

My own mother recently Twittered, "Driving home in my GWagon with Jess...both are fast and top heavy!" In 2004, my own father told GQ that Jessica has "got double Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!"

I've made some questionable fashion choices like this and this may have assaulted the public’s eyes with their improbably bright shiny-ness, but they still highlighted the kind of bangin’ bod many of us effortlessly rocked before cellulite surfaced or our metabolisms slowed to a crawl.

-While filming Dukes of Hazzard, I looked lean and buff in my Daisy Dukes with that kind of fairy tale, curvy-in-all-the-right-places physique. But that clearly wasn’t enough. You may have read that during this time, I had a trainer/food cop who ate every meal with me to monitor what I ordered. One mystery “source” told the press, "She just can't resist junk food. She literally needs to be watched all the time. Jessica has a problem with binge eating, which is usually triggered by stress…Jessica's most recent violation was indulging in the terrible trio of chicken wings, nachos, and alcohol at the Great Dane Pub in Madison, Wisconsin.”

-When my younger sis Ashlee got a nose job, her ensuing hotness gave rise to all sorts of “Who’s the hotter sister now?” charts and graphs and contests which was hurtful to both of us.

-More recently, I was splashed across every magazine except Knitting Monthly for my HUGE BUTT! UNSUPPORTIVE BRA! MOM JEANS! MASSIVE WEIGHT GAIN!  Sure, it didn’t help that I was wearing this get-up at a Chili Cookoff (Note to self: Fire stylist), but that outfit would be unflattering on pretty much anyone. I guess when the public is used to me looking like this, (love you, duct tape!), high-waisted jeans and a top that actually covers one’s chest is cause for an uprising.

-Earlier this month, I performed at Sea World wearing this, prompting numerous obnoxious, totally unoriginal Shamu references. Which surprised me because I thought a) diehard bodysnarkers could be a bit more creative and b) I looked pretty damn good.

Special skills:

Ability to weather the storm and survive viscous, wide-scale, soul-crushing assaults on my body without sinking into a dark depression or going postal at the Country Music Awards.

References available upon request.

Is that enough proof to get you to watch?