Would you hire a babysitter with an eating disorder?
It's ethical dilemma time!. Loyal NeverSayDiet and Weighting Game reader Sonn is asking for help with just this question. She’s looking for someone to watch her two little girls this summer, one of whom is kindergarten-age, the other a preschooler. Sonn’s got a few applicants that she really likes, but while Googling them (don’t you just love the internet? You can actually track your babysitter on Facebook!) and checking their references, she learned that the girl she was most likely to hire was at one time anorexic and bulimic. Here’s where Sonn is struggling:
“She seems like a smart chick, and sweet and kind, and I am really sorry she struggled with an ED. It doesn't make any difference as far as hiring goes, obviously.
BUT
It poses a bit of a tricky situation when it comes to our relationship and how to navigate that, especially the first few meetings. In case you haven't noticed, I'm fat. And not just a little BBW kind of plump, I'm super-sized. So it leaves me wondering: Will my size be a trigger for her? Will just being exposed to me set her off and make her uncomfortable? For many recovering ED chicks, I am literally a walking manifestation of their deepest fears. Will that be the case for her, will she find it too difficult to be in our home because of it? Or on the flip side will she be critical, will she lash out instead? The one morning I leave breakfast dishes in the sink will she think, "A-HA! I always KNEW fat people were lazy!" and declare all her negative suppositions about obesity confirmed? Is it something that I can gently address, or is it still too sensitive a spot? Food becomes an issue, feeding the kids becomes emotionally charged.”
It’s so interesting – this was not at all the issue I thought would be at the top of Sonn’s mind (Though it certainly is valid). I thought she would be more concerned about the babysitter passing on negative body image thoughts and behaviors to her little girls – she may be recovered but what if certain comments slipped out, or the little girls catch her weighing herself or overhear her talking on the phone with a girlfriend, bitching about her muffin top or something?
The thing is (and I know this is a gross overgeneralization, but still), most women with EDs tend to be overachievers, very smart and driven, people-pleasing and detail-oriented. So I would assume this potential candidate would actually make an excellent babysitter from that perspective. (I myself actually took a babysitting course and got certified in CPR when I was a tween. Parents loved me. I loved their stocked pantries and Golden Girls reruns.)
So, what advice to you have for Sonn?
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Comments
Date: 07/02/2009 - 11:23 am
-"You should judge her for this. Not even because she had it, but because
you were able, through Facebook, etc., to find OUT that she had it.
That means she's proud of it. There are things that should be kept
private and there are ways to do it. The fact that you could see this
means she wanted people to know. You do NOT want such a self-centered
girl with such messed up values watching your children. Trust me."
I cannot even begin to comprehend how malicious and ignorant this comment is. Just because we can find information on the web about someone who has had an eating disorder, does Not mean that this person is proud of it. I can't even fathom how anyone could get such a cruel and erroneous notion. I agree that many people keep online journals because that is part of their treatment.
Writing things down is therapeutic and if often the only way that person can come to terms with themselves and their illness. Many of these people also make it public because they want to help others avoid their mistake. It's sometimes also a way for them to get the help and encouragement from other people that they cannot give themselves. So saying that because this information about them was available online, then they must be proud of their eating disorder is just cruel and twisted.
And to further add insult to injury, they are then "Self-centered?!"
The majority of eating disorder patients develop this illness because they are the exact opposite of self-centered. They are not self-centered enough. Most always strive to please others and put everyone else ahead of themselves. So many feel they don't deserve to be happy because they are not as worthy as everyone else.
Saying that they have "messed-up values" in essence really means that whoever dished out this string of slurs is the one with real messed-up values. This kind of uncharitable attitude towards others is indicative of someone who really needs to re-evaluate themselves. Learn to be compassionate and understanding... if not, then at least be informed with the issue at hand before handing out judgment.
Date: 06/28/2009 - 01:53 am
This just pissed me off. I know that as someone who has never had an eating disorder, your comments are made simply out of a lack of understanding, but still.... people with eating disorders do NOT necessarily think that fat people are disgusting any more than people who do not have EDs do. Our obsession is with OUR OWN BODIES and CONTROL, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. I do not look at fat people and judge them or think negatively of them. In fact, the ones that seem happy and comfortable in their bodies make me feel sad that i can't feel the same in mine. As prefectionists who scrutinize and HATE ourselves for every little percieved flaw, we do not have the energy left over to concern ourselves with what you look like. All of our judgement is directed towards ourselves. Just thought you should know.
Date: 06/27/2009 - 04:17 am
okay, first i have to say that just because it was possible to find the information through the internet doesn't automatically mean the girl was self-centered and proud of her eating disorder. there are loads of different things that come up on the internet. especially nowadays a lot of people keep online journals on blog sites and places like live journal... don't you think that it's possible she just wrote about it in her blog or something. a lot of people that have had an ED have very strong opinions about treatment, recovery, and how it started in the first place.
i don't think that you should judge the girl based on this alone. if you don't feel good about it after you meet her, or she meets the kids then obviously go with someone else but i think you need to at least give her a chance... especially if she was the first pick before you googled her.
Date: 06/05/2009 - 12:57 am
You should judge her for this. Not even because she had it, but because you were able, through Facebook, etc., to find OUT that she had it. That means she's proud of it. There are things that should be kept private and there are ways to do it. The fact that you could see this means she wanted people to know. You do NOT want such a self-centered girl with such messed up values watching your children. Trust me.
Date: 05/18/2009 - 11:09 am
i don't think it should be an issue. It doesn't necessarily means that she has An ED she would take it against you. There are nannys who doesn't have ED but can't look after your kids. Weigh things out, whatever your decision is - "choose the lesser evil..."