Would you hire a babysitter with an eating disorder?

Feb 11, 2009

It's ethical dilemma time!. Loyal NeverSayDiet and Weighting Game reader Sonn is asking for help with just this question. She’s looking for someone to watch her two little girls this summer, one of whom is kindergarten-age, the other a preschooler. Sonn’s got a few applicants that she really likes, but while Googling them (don’t you just love the internet? You can actually track your babysitter on Facebook!) and checking their references, she learned that the girl she was most likely to hire was at one time anorexic and bulimic. Here’s where Sonn is struggling:

“She seems like a smart chick, and sweet and kind, and I am really sorry she struggled with an ED. It doesn't make any difference as far as hiring goes, obviously.

BUT

It poses a bit of a tricky situation when it comes to our relationship and how to navigate that, especially the first few meetings. In case you haven't noticed, I'm fat. And not just a little BBW kind of plump, I'm super-sized. So it leaves me wondering: Will my size be a trigger for her? Will just being exposed to me set her off and make her uncomfortable? For many recovering ED chicks, I am literally a walking manifestation of their deepest fears. Will that be the case for her, will she find it too difficult to be in our home because of it? Or on the flip side will she be critical, will she lash out instead? The one morning I leave breakfast dishes in the sink will she think, "A-HA! I always KNEW fat people were lazy!" and declare all her negative suppositions about obesity confirmed? Is it something that I can gently address, or is it still too sensitive a spot? Food becomes an issue, feeding the kids becomes emotionally charged.”

It’s so interesting – this was not at all the issue I thought would be at the top of Sonn’s mind (Though it certainly is valid). I thought she would be more concerned about the babysitter passing on negative body image thoughts and behaviors to her little girls – she may be recovered but what if certain comments slipped out, or the little girls catch her weighing herself or overhear her talking on the phone with a girlfriend, bitching about her muffin top or something?

The thing is (and I know this is a gross overgeneralization, but still), most women with EDs tend to be overachievers, very smart and driven, people-pleasing and detail-oriented. So I would assume this potential candidate would actually make an excellent babysitter from that perspective. (I myself actually took a babysitting course and got certified in CPR when I was a tween. Parents loved me. I loved their stocked pantries and Golden Girls reruns.)

So, what advice to you have for Sonn?

Comments

From: Cheney
Date: 05/13/2009 - 11:16 pm

I understand your position completly. I have a friend who had an ED and it has strained our relationship. I'm a BBw. People with ED's think fat people are gross it's hard. I personally would be kind to her, but I would not hire her. As BBw's we already haave to deal with peoples negative opinions of us outside our homes. We shouldn't have to stress about if were too fat when we get home. I would hire a person who loved and accepted fat and thin people. THe babysitters weight doesn't matter so much as she can help re-inforce positve body image on your childrens young minds. That's a worry I would also have with the girl with an eatting disorder, would she pass along those feelings about her body and insecurities to your children?

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 05/03/2009 - 02:01 pm

I was still actively disordered the summer I worked in a preschool. All of my coworkers were obese 30-something women, none of whom had any higher education. Did I look at then with scorn and disdain? As an anorexic college student, I have to admit, I did. I was repulsed by the woman I worked with 8 hours a day. I do have to qualify, though, it was not only because of her weight. She was, generally speaking, quite lazy and sometimes stole food from our 2 year olds. I suppose my hatred of her in that respect comes back to what you were fearing -- affirming my prejudices against and fear of obesity.
I'm recovering now. Obviously that's a long-term process, but I've got a handle on my thoughts for the most part. This article struck a chord with me because this summer I an going to be a live-in nanny for a family I haven't met yet. They don't know about my history, but I am very afraid they'll notice something odd in my behavior, my eating patterns, my body. Will they think I'm a bad role model for their pre-teen daughter? Will they think I'm unable to care for their children because I seem like I can barely care for myself? I certainly hope not.
I'll be the first to admit I'm no stranger to destructive behavior. All of it though, is self-directed. I would never do anything to endanger those in my care. And I certainly would not pass judgment on my employer, at least not at this stage of my recovery.

From: Anonymous.Poster
Date: 04/18/2009 - 09:27 am

OMG, really, she is not gonna judge you. I have deal with eating disorders myself and believe me you only worried about your own weight and shape. For the facts in your investigation(facebook XD) it seems like this girl has recovered.I was in a rehab center and the persons who come out of an ED are very more wise and tolerant with that issues. I dont even concern about the example she set on your children. At less she is a sociopat i don´t think that any person dealing with AD wish this for anyone specially kids!!.Talk with her but don´t make a big deal about it, everyone has issues and the way she has opened about it shows how decided she is about getting healthy habits.

From: ainomiaka
Date: 04/16/2009 - 11:52 am

so everyone who ever had an ED is tainted to you now? That seems a bit harsh. If she's not doing anything that makes you think there's a problem now(and you say she isn't) before facebook you'd never have known. I am not worried about her judging you so much as you judging her, as you seem to be. While I agree that a conversation is a good idea about what is and isn't problematic for both of you (what her needs are, and what you need to be sure she will or won't do in front of the kids) good grief. Would you do this to other people who had a disease in the past? why is this person different?

From: doakes
Date: 04/14/2009 - 11:55 pm

I just have a few short thoughts to share on this matter... as a person who dealt with an ED, I feel like there is no way to ever really be "cured". It's almost like cancer or alcoholism, it's treatable but not entirely curable. Depending on her situation personally, your weight could be a trigger or model skinny people could be a trigger. Also depending on what her family life/ social life/ love life are like, she could spiral downward without warning. EDs can be volatile and tempermental but your potential babysitter could very well have a better handle on hers than I did (do).
Personally, I feel guilty around people who are heavy and the overwhelming sense of helplessness on their behalf prompts me to act very awkwardly. They do not trigger a relapse though, things like a fight with a boyfriend or family members do. It's mostly about control for the deeply emotional EDs, not about a purely vain notion of body image...
I would recommend having a conversation with this girl, if she's comfortable with it, about what started her ED and what her triggers are. They better you know her and her life, the more easily you'll be able to see warning signs if she ever relapses and be able to help her. A back-up short notice babysitter wouldn't be a bad idea to have.
As far as your idea of triggering her or her passing this on to your children, I highly doubt either of those are likely scenarios but I'm speaking from personal experience and everyone's experience is different.
Best of luck, hope this helped in some way :)