Would you hire a babysitter with an eating disorder?

Feb 11, 2009

It's ethical dilemma time!. Loyal NeverSayDiet and Weighting Game reader Sonn is asking for help with just this question. She’s looking for someone to watch her two little girls this summer, one of whom is kindergarten-age, the other a preschooler. Sonn’s got a few applicants that she really likes, but while Googling them (don’t you just love the internet? You can actually track your babysitter on Facebook!) and checking their references, she learned that the girl she was most likely to hire was at one time anorexic and bulimic. Here’s where Sonn is struggling:

“She seems like a smart chick, and sweet and kind, and I am really sorry she struggled with an ED. It doesn't make any difference as far as hiring goes, obviously.

BUT

It poses a bit of a tricky situation when it comes to our relationship and how to navigate that, especially the first few meetings. In case you haven't noticed, I'm fat. And not just a little BBW kind of plump, I'm super-sized. So it leaves me wondering: Will my size be a trigger for her? Will just being exposed to me set her off and make her uncomfortable? For many recovering ED chicks, I am literally a walking manifestation of their deepest fears. Will that be the case for her, will she find it too difficult to be in our home because of it? Or on the flip side will she be critical, will she lash out instead? The one morning I leave breakfast dishes in the sink will she think, "A-HA! I always KNEW fat people were lazy!" and declare all her negative suppositions about obesity confirmed? Is it something that I can gently address, or is it still too sensitive a spot? Food becomes an issue, feeding the kids becomes emotionally charged.”

It’s so interesting – this was not at all the issue I thought would be at the top of Sonn’s mind (Though it certainly is valid). I thought she would be more concerned about the babysitter passing on negative body image thoughts and behaviors to her little girls – she may be recovered but what if certain comments slipped out, or the little girls catch her weighing herself or overhear her talking on the phone with a girlfriend, bitching about her muffin top or something?

The thing is (and I know this is a gross overgeneralization, but still), most women with EDs tend to be overachievers, very smart and driven, people-pleasing and detail-oriented. So I would assume this potential candidate would actually make an excellent babysitter from that perspective. (I myself actually took a babysitting course and got certified in CPR when I was a tween. Parents loved me. I loved their stocked pantries and Golden Girls reruns.)

So, what advice to you have for Sonn?

Comments

From: Sagan
Date: 02/12/2009 - 11:44 am

I'd be more worried about the effect on the girls, too. However, if she's recovered, then I expect she'd actually be really great for helping them out with building good body image because she would have been actively working on that herself during recovery.

From: Alyssa
Date: 02/12/2009 - 11:07 am

Charlotte has hit it right on the head.
I'm assuming you've already met and interviewed the young lady in question, and that she has met you and your kids? If this is the case, she probably doesn't have an issue with working with you (and I doubt she is judging you!!!!).
Ultimately it could even be a good thing: When your kids are older she may be able to share her experiences with them and talk to them about all the food/body image issues that girls deal with.

From: Charlotte Hilton Andersen
Date: 02/12/2009 - 09:05 am

I'm going to chime in and I hope nobody takes this the wrong way. See, I've been actively eating disordered in the past and am currently (mostly) in a good place. To read that you would think that I would judge you for your weight about broke my heart. First of all, EDs are notoriously narcissistic. The only person's weight I have ever cared about was my own. In fact I often find myself gravitating towards heavier women who are happy in their skins because I want what they have. Also, since I see myself as "heavier" I often relate most to women that are heavier. The people that are the worst triggers for my illness? Ultra thin Hollywood model type people.

Like Leslie pointed out, I'd be most worried about her effect on your daughters and since it sounds like that isn't really a concern for you - both because of your daughter's good self-esteem and the babysitter's stage of recovery - I hope you don't let if affect your hiring of her.

Lastly, I hope that you talk to her about this. Since she was open enough about it to put it on her website (or Facebook or whatever) then I think it will be good for both of you to clear the air. Good luck Sonn!!!!

From: Sonn
Date: 02/12/2009 - 12:45 am

Good Lord but I am wordy. Sorry about that.

From: Sonn
Date: 02/12/2009 - 12:44 am

Thanks for the link Leslie, and your take on it is really interesting - a total 180 of what I was thinking! I guess I am not at all worried about the girls. She is recovered from her ED, I don't anticipate any problems there. God knows the girls seem very, erm, confident in their bodies, at least so far. If a preference for running around naked is anything to go by!

And just to clarify, I would never not hire someone because of their ED status (unless it was so full blown it made it impossibe for them to work, or something.) I am just trying to figure out the best way to make her comfortable in our home and with our family. I know being around people of size can be a trigger for some women in recovery, and I don't want that to be difficult for her; but I also don't know how to broach the subject in a professional way. Or even if it should be at all.

And then when I think about it I get angry that this is even an issue we have to deal with - not ED specifically but the whole concept of food and body and the relationship between the two and how they affect the relationships we have with other women... it's just all bloody ridiculous, really. You'll never hear a man worry about this stuff. I just hate that here we are in 2009 and this is as far as we have come as women, we can't seem to get past this appearance thing and the whole complex food / body image / self esteem whirlpool.

Anyway, any suggestions? If you've had anorexia/bulemia in the past, and went to work with an obese person, was it OK? Should I mention my own health issues and struggles, to give her an opening to mention hers if she wants to? Or just let it all go and figure she will deal with it? If I don't mention it - here is my own body image issue creeping in - how do I calm my own fears that she is secretly horrified by me every day?